Lonely

The friends you made in your dreams were gone when you awoke. You hoped they'd left a post-it, or a note scrawled on the back of a rizzla to tell you when they'd next visit. But true to the fickle nature of all humans, those trapped within our subconscious and those we find awake; they simply left. You looked around yourself at the bottles of liquor, their original contents drained - replaced instead with the solid mass of emptiness. This mass was the tumour in you. You feel it between your ribs. Like the shadow to your barely beating heart. You hope one day the mass will become too much. That it will swell and absorb all your organs. Forcing them to become the nothing, become the emptiness that makes you question killing them off yourself. The internal massacre to finalize the war you rage through everyday.

Your limbs are heavy as you dress for the day. You half-heartedly place your legs into jeans. And no-heartedly stare at your skeletal reflection. The day has yet to rise, and the dark of the advance above you feels so perfect. Why can it not swallow you whole? Why must it nibble at you, prolonging your consumption. Is it trying to be helpful, to give you more time? Or is this what it believes you deserve. A desolate hopeless scenery, so you can never escape the matching crushed black of your mind. You can not blame the sky. It did not birth these tumours. They were born with you, and fed off your bad decisions. Gained strength from those who left you, feasted off the loves you lost, the lives you ruined. The tumours are your darkness. They are the loneliness you will never escape. No amount of organ transplants would cleanse you of them. They are in your blood. On your skin. They are you. This is the thought that keeps them with you. They drown you in the fear of losing them, masquerading it as a fear of giving life to more. They manipulate you. Convince you that your trials will heed nothing good - only more of them. You can want all you wish, but you shall never be allowed to love. Because you may think the loneliness is the shadow of your heart. But it is your heart. And it's shadow is all of you. You can never escape.