Star

'I was on top of the world for a while you know. I know you may not believe me, given the way you find me today - but it's not your validation i'm looking for. You're just as pathetic as I am.

It started with a step ladder - a glimpse of the elite - and it never stopped, I carried on climbing higher and higher. Past the clouds my ego soared, as praise and commendation flew my way. Every tongue golden with glorious praise, every lip puckered at my rear. My hairline skimmed the stratosphere and I was gasping for air as angry balls of fire flew past my eyes and burned eternally before me. It seemed I could do no wrong. I knew my time was limited as I was running out of oxygen, but with every desperate and fruitless intake of breath I grew giddier still. My vision blurred and I was high on my own narcissistic and self-righteous delusions. Within success is birthed a feeling of security. It imbues within you a false sense of being untouchable, of obtaining indemnity against frailty. You see, I wanted to enjoy my moment in the sun. To bask in it's warmth so selfishly that it burned my skin to the fourth degree, cooked me ready for a feast, allowed my blood to boil within my heart until it evaporated, becoming nothing and leaving me a hollow shell, an empty glove of a person. I wanted to indulge so absolutely that I could never return to the concrete reality of my prior inferior being. I wanted to be consumed by accomplishment, wrecked by it, to have my essence, my entity, my entire existence, molested and deformed by the hands of adoration.

Because inside I was unrecognizable. I didn't even know my own thoughts any more. They began to sound like someone else ranting inside my skull, someone I admired, someone far removed from me. Someone with a wider vocabulary than mine, a more positive outlook than mine, and even a silkier drawl than mine. That person was all I coveted, so I kept quiet. I hid in the corners watching - admiring. But the stars were charring harder now, the burns began to itch. I couldn't avoid the ache of my lungs even in my asinine stupor, it stabbed through and I gasped and I gasped. The charismatic self smirking through my eyes grew tired of me, first sighing at my endless glee, then shooting me gunshot glances full of disdain and eventually hissing venomously at me as i cowered in my corner.

So I never left. Waste piled up from my fear to migrate and I bathed daily in my own shit, piss and tears. But even my optimal character couldn't anticipate what was about to occur. As it savored the shine that should of belonged to me, we both prepared to die by it. Me; emaciated, vacuous and terminal. It; complete, prosperous and eternal. We flew together, so close to the stars, our skin began melting from our bones, trickling down their structure like desperate droplets expressing pure ecstasy disguised as tragedy. And as we flew ever higher - our lungs collapsing, straining too finally in their quest for relief - we were blinded by the glow of complete achievement. Our skeletal being was almost absorbed by the torridity of immortality, of preservation in time through unequivocal fortune and respect. I could taste the finality of it on my tongue - and it tasted sweet.

Then we began to fall. The ego I had become a prisoner to was shattered in a matter of seconds. It's smirk only a memory that caused me distress and elation in one orgasmic rush. With it destroyed so effortlessly by a string of inimical newspaper articles and noxious whispers behind important hands - I was left alone. I crawled from my corner to the front seat once more but there was no light there, just a crushing black through which I couldn't even see. I don't know how long I fell for, every time I thought I could see the ground approaching  I was presented with further dismal sky through which to drop. I was continuously teased by the alluring certitude of collision, of death. The death of a career, the death of a reputation and the birth of a life of anonymity and mortality.The thought was repulsive to me.

I hope you understand that. You with your eyes brimming with condescending judgement. When you look at me here you don't see a person. You see an addiction, you see a disgrace. I just needed something to numb the pain of falling. Just to take it away for a little while, so I could float again above the clouds. Transcendentally swim in the ghost of perfection. I don't know when I stopped needing the release and started needing the drug. It's all a glittery fog to me. I think the stars have fried my brain. People see me now and pretend they never worshiped me, they turn their gaze away in disgust - because I scare them. I remind them of the fragility of happiness. The delicate nature of status. I had everything. I was the epitome of humanity, and now i'm a sewer rat. A disease ridden stain on the g-string of existence. But jump down from your high horse darling. What have you ever had? Just remember who I was before you scorn me for who I am. I was on top of the world. I was on top of the world.'